06-28-2023

OKAY.  So it’s been about 6 months since my last blog post. Since 12/27/2022, here is what has happened.

1. On December 31, 2022 Holy Spirit told me to apologize to someone that was offended by something I was involved in, though I didn’t have any contact with this person. At first, I was like “WHAT!! For what?! I didn’t even do anything to them!” but He showed me that He would not let me be at peace for the rest of the night until I did so. So I sent this person an apology. Holy Spirit told me exactly what to say (I know this because I tried to alter it a bit and He said “that’s not what I told you what to say”) After I sent the message the person became very soft and thanked me for the apology. I believe the Lord is always deep at work, even when we don’t see. I believe this was healing for this person and humbling for me.

2. After being on a sabbatical, I accepted a job offer and started the job at THIRTY-TWO WEEKS PREGNANT. It was all from God, and one day I'll write about this.

3. WE HAD A BABY. Baby Luke was born in March, at 39 weeks and 5 days. He is a beautiful baby boy. So snuggly and has a great appetite.

We are now in late June. I'm deep in thought and I realize this exact time last year I was hoping to get into some sort of leadership position. Or start a movement... I don't know, something. Usually when I do comparisons and see an unfavorable(?) outcome, I get upset and start to rant inside. I tend to do the "What was I doing a year ago today?" thing. But not this time, I mean I did do THAT, "what happened a year ago...?" But I didn't get that upset this time. Actually, it dawned on me that this time last year, David was not spiritually where he is today. I wasn’t yet pregnant with Luke. 

It's so interesting that we're in a place that we can look back to October (when the storm started) and be able to slowly see what the Lord was doing during that difficult time.  But of course, we know better than to say we have it all figured out. What was certain was the pruning, the removal of people, and the placement of people. Most importantly, the Lord calling us and drawing us deeper. To the point of no going back.  

There was SO much that the Lord had in store for us. The Lord undeniably has POURED out His blessings in the last 12 months.

There has been so much molding, redefining, redirecting, resets, and transformation in this valley.

For so long I was hoping to do "ministry." Turns out all along I meant, "corporate ministry" and I was breaking my own heart of because of it. I was in deep grief that I wasn’t serving at church.  I hated the fact that I would go and leave. I hated the fact that David wasn’t serving. And then all of a sudden. my husband is on the worship team. And it's from a place of authenticity. An overflow of what Jesus is doing in David's private life and their intimacy.  Delilah serves in the children's church. She's so loved. Then there's me. As it turns out,  I've been doing ministry all this time. I serve and submit to David, I wash his clothes, I create a home he can be at peace and rest in.  I counsel Delilah, I pour into her, and tell her the importance of Jesus + staying close to the cross. I take care and nurture and love on my boys. I edify and pray over my home. For so long I was praying to do ministry, and the Lord did answer. It was right in front of me. Just differently than what I thought it would be. And it's more than significant.

I’ll be in the nursery at church for another 15 months before Luke can go to the toddler class. And to think of all the people I’ll meet in the mean time. I can bring revival with me to the nursery room.  

“I SOUGHT THE LORD AND HE HEARD AND HE ANSWERED” 

We are in still in our "Abraham Season" - A pruning season where we had to leave 95% of our belongings in a storage unit and go to a new land. This experience has been humbling, it has been depressing, and uncomfortable. This experience has also brought us straight to the feet of Jesus. 

David joined the worship team. The story of David joining the worship is one that I sing a thousand hallelujah's for. This year has been rollercoaster. Each situation that arose this year, when the smoke cleared, it was as if we were at a crossroads. I quickly caught on. By crossroad number 2, I remember saying to David, "I think God is trying to get your attention. God is calling you to Him." My sweet David, always has been the protagonist. He always "knew what to do" until now. This was new territory for him, though he never considered himself a control freak, he quickly realized how in control he's always been of things and how it's time to let that go.

This season has been all about relinquishing control and understanding. God has removed what has needed to be removed, this includes people. God has put in the new, this includes people. & I think that we are going to be okay :)

I am in one of the toughest seasons of my life. It has been pouring raining, literally and emotionally. Everything has been happening all at once. Something that I am aware of though is that I am going to look back at this time in our lives and just be amazed at what God did during this time. I can't wait to see the full picture.

A couple of weeks ago this prayer came straight out of my spirit, "Lord remove anyone in our life that does not mean us well."

God showed up.

In the last 10 days, my household has been under so much attack. Our characters and our beliefs. David and my name getting dragged through the dirt. Very much so exposed in the light have been those who do not mean us well- and not only now, but all along. So much has come out to the light.

At first I didn't care but then I started expressing often how ridiculous the situation was and my heart was starting to become bitter the more I thought about it. David has been encouraging me daily to forgive and to think about about what is righteous and true (Phil 4:8) Also reminding me that you can't reason with someone that only sees their way so we have to let this time pass and what will be will be.

I went out for a drive earlier and I became so angry. With every passing minute I became angrier. I get back home and I don't want David to notice my anger. (Every time I don't want David to notice my mood, he notices.) And this moment didn't fall short. 

He asks, "you okay?" I tune up my voice, "yes" He waits. "Is there something bothering you?"

Here goes the crossroads. I almost say no. But I actually think about it. What do I respond to my kind David, why should I conceal this? "I have a lot on my mind..." Pause, deep breath. "I'm thinking about everything again. I'm so angry."

In a sweet whisper,  he invites, "Wanna pray about it?" In that moment I envisioned my husband carrying me to the feet of Jesus. My husband is carrying me to the roof and lowering me to Jesus. 

David kneels down next to me and wraps his arms around me and holds me.

I spill my heart out to Jesus while David is holding me so tightly. I'm telling Jesus about the hurt I feel, how angry I am, how annoyed I am, I asked Jesus for forgiveness for running on anger, how much of a hypocrite I must be. I prayed and prayed until I finish.

David says, "I have a prayer for you" and he begins to intercede for my heart before Jesus while still holding me so tight. 

Oh, Jesus... thank you.

 My birthday was three days ago. I turned 29. I woke up not feeling well, so it was a slow start to the day. David and Delilah put in a gentle effort for me to enjoy the day. I picked up my free Starbucks birthday drink and per my request we got Jersey Mike's for lunch.

I reflected a whole lot throughout the day. I was in my head the majority of the day. Welcoming in the day- right at midnight the Holy Spirit led me to get on my knees and pray. I prayed for forgiveness. I expressed gratitude. And I told Jesus I want Him and only Him. 

I already knew that one of my love languages was "Words of Affirmation" but it was magnified in amplitude 3 days ago. I feel like your birthday is a day to hear what you mean to people and what impact you've had in their life... for some reason I was really eager to know what I meant to people. I paid attention to who reached out and to who didn't.  I caught myself in this thoughtful trance that before I got too deep into it, I journaled. I wrote "I feel really heavy to press into you Holy Spirit. That you Lord are enough.  Fleshly, I want tons of messages of what I mean to people, of the impact I've had on them. Instead I will turn away from this fleshly desire; I want to press into God's word so that I can receive the greatest affirmation and love letter of all time" 

In this new year, 29, my goals are: to Consistently make myself available for use to Jesus, doing deep scripture diving, be a godly wife to David, be a godly mother to my three children. 

Oh & yes, we are expecting baby number three 🌱

 theres no substiute for Jesus.
i was at the stop light of 347 and middle country road (Long Island) and there was big pick-up truck next to me
and the man inside was signaling for me to lower my window. i do.
the gentleman asked "is this 347 east?" pointing to the road at our intersection.
I point over to our left and said "this way is east" and he kindly says he's going
to get in front of me so that he may turn.
i quickly realized this is a great time to tell someone about Jesus.
I didn't have alot of time hence the stop light, and I wanted to "say the right thing"
I ask him for his name.
“Dave.”
I excitedly responded that my husband's name is Dave.
And then I go, "Dave I want you to serve someone today"
Staring back to the road, he says "Alright I will." With a smirk.
I really thought I did something there.
I thought the conversation was over.
He asks "Is your husband in the service?"
"No" I giggled. "Are you?"
"I served in Vietnam"
I thanked him for his service and before I could say anything else
the light turns green.
That was that.
I'm trying to not beat myself up about it. But a great lesson was learned here.
There is no substitute for Jesus.
None. 

 I more than ever want to grab my kids and run to the feet of Jesus. I have such a craving to pour so much life and so much truth into their lives. I am so conscientious in raising my children in the ways of the Lord so that when they are older they will not depart.

I more than ever crave investment; investing in my children’s calling, their intimacy with the Lord, and their overflow. I want to protect my kids always. I know there will be some things that I just won’t have control over. In the mean time I want them to see their mother authentically surrendering, authentically trying, and authentically serving the Lord.

My prayer is that any force, weapon, or evil intentions towards my marriage, my children, or me- drop dead. 

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬

I've got a new Bible 💙 Besides it being the Word of God, the reason why it is so significant is because I have been using an app on my phone since 2015. It took me 19 hours to transfer all of my highlights, bookmarks, and notes over to this brick-and-mortar Bible (thank you Lisa Harper for the encouragement!) Not knowing I would have 7 hours left, when I was at the 12 hour mark, I said out loud “I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to transfer all of this over!” Immediately the Lord invaded the moment.

•

In that moment, the Lord began to minister to my heart that all of these ‘highlights & bookmarks’ have been 7 years of seeking Him, of quiet time with Him, sharing the hope of Jesus to others, intimacy with Him, highs & lows. 7 years ago I affirmed my walk with the Lord when I encountered Him face to face on a cold day in a parking lot after an abandonment. In terms of comparison, we hear the quote “Don’t compare your level 1 with someone’s level 20.” But I’ve come to see another spectrum. Comparison is so ugly that it’ll have you comparing YOUR Level 20 to someone else’s starting point. 

•

One of my biggest struggles has been comparison. It’s an active battle, it’s acknowledged, and wrestled with almost every day. I’ve spent a great deal of time comparing myself, wishing to be in someone’s else shoes, have someone else’s life. For this I repent and face forward. Comparison- is most certainly a thief of joy 💝

 “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” - Luke 23:34
•
One year and eight months have gone by since my last post (Instagram). 20 months. The last twenty months have been filled with on the surface evidence of favor and redemption and growing deeper with the Lord. There’s a lot to unpack with that, which I plan on sharing story by story. Part of this journey of favor, redemption, and growth that has been poured out over me is witnessing it being poured out over my husband too and the Lord working through him. My husband David is a simple man. He is very practical and straight to the point and full of Grace. I needed this and thankful God gifted me a man as so. Well, this simple man reminded me of what Jesus said when He was on the Cross.
•
When I found out I was pregnant with my son back in March 2021, a couple of people recommended/suggested an abortion. I was grossed out by that suggestion but I did not let it hold weight at the time. I just ignored it. Forward 2022, the week after the overturn. [I was convicted to stay gentle with the “world’s” reaction but also found myself fighting the urge to respond to almost every single opinion I came across.] We’re on our way to a gathering, where the two people that suggest I have an abortion were going to be there. It was a calm morning while getting ready, but then all of a sudden, thoughts start racing. I felt a lot of ungodly feelings and thoughts. I tell David, “I’m sorry but I think I just realized I am still bitter about when *person 1* called you to tell you for us to have an abortion.” David rubs my hand and takes a breath, “the only thing I can think of is when Jesus said ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do’” David then graciously reminded me to consider this. 

Something interesting happened recently. I found out I had depression during my pregnancy, prenatal depression. If I were to tell the story out loud,  I’m sure at least one person would ask "how did you not know?" Well, I asked myself the question and it comes down to a few things.  I haven’t been pregnant in 12 years. I thought I was just moody (I thought that maybe it was because I was caring a boy and every pregnancy is "different.")  I was reading an article on prenatal depression that I had happened to stumble on and it described me perfectly. I wish I would have caught on sooner- like when it was happening. It's interesting because I now wonder how much of a mope I must have came off as. I do know that there was a couple things weighing heavy on me and I wish I didn’t open up about it so quickly with people. I didn't know prenatal depression was thing (I've only heard of postpartum depression) but apparently these things happen and I’m so thankful to be over that hill.  

Seriously... what a week.  

Monday - I go to the hospital because my finger nail  tore off my nail bed.

Tuesday - Delilah got locked out of the house

Wednesday  - Levi woke up in the middle of night and didn't go to bed til much later. Very rare of him.

Thursday - I had to do an emergency run to Target and their card machine was down

Friday - David & I were going to marriage night. While we were getting ready, David's boss calls that he's needs him to fix something asap.

I may have prayed a scary prayer on Sunday night. We pray every night in our home, but Sundays we go in depth, asking the Lord to take complete control of the week. This past Sunday I said, "Lord make us uncomfortable so that we may be reminded that you're in control." LORDDD. I get it, you're in control.  

Last weekend I feel like the Lord left an impression on my heart that led to my eyes being opened, making me realize that what I’ve prayed for was right in front of me. I think repenting, (you know, turning away) from comparison does that too. Saturday we hung out with friends for the entire day. It felt so tribal- like yes, these are our people. As the world is in chaos, this is who you can huddle with, trust, love and be loved on in return. Also last week our friends came over. They brought salad and croissants and ginger beer and snacks. We spoke for hours. There was something about that night, something so authentic and intimate that went under my “chicken soup to my soul” category in my heart. Not just anything goes in that folder. 

Today is Friday. Today I am choosing gratitude. Thankful to be home with my son, thankful to be home while my daughter gets ready for school, for this notebook, for my computer, my phone, this pen, my desk. I am full of gratitude. Thankful for my husband, just thankful. there’s a lot to look forward to. God is good all the time and Lord you supply all of my needs. I want to serve you Lord. I want to represent you. I want to serve. I hold onto that you see me. Thank you Jesus for the cross, for your friendship, for your love. I want to live in over abundance, I want to bless other people with what you have given me Lord.

Beautiful Sunday! I am 33 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. We have about 6 1/2 weeks left! Delilah and I went to church this morning. I think I’m entering a season specifically to growing deeper with God. I am hurt with what has happened with work. I did not get a bonus. I got written up last month and my manager wrote not great things on my evaluation that I didn’t realize she wrote until Friday. I feel so screwed over. Like two years of my life wasted. Currently my heart and spirit are heavy. I don’t know what’s going to happen with work. But Lord. I am wholeheartedly trusting you. I have to be honest, this work situation has hurt my feelings and has stolen my peace. I am heartbroken, maybe, even. I do not know what the future holds, rather what you have in store. Forgive me Jesus for ways that I have offended you. Please see the way my management has exaggerated things against me. Lord take over.  

I pray for a safe delivery, health, and life over Levi and me. 

Lord thank you and forgive me if I seem ungrateful; the work situation was stealing my joy. Thank you for giving us what we spent on the shower back. Thank you for my new computer! The computer that I’ve been wanting for sometime, for a long time! Jesus thank you. I’m going to focus on the good Lord. I feel like I’ve been jumped spiritually. I am a soldier in the desert. God I need you. You are who I need. I surrender and as I go through these last six weeks of pregnancy I will take deep breaths and remind myself that you are in control. I love you Jesus thank you.

two words in this season: grace and redemption.

I have been consciously aware of the grace poured over me.

 I have been consciously aware that God is a redeemer. 

Today is Tuesday. I am 26 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I have a new found love reading and learning. I have been reading the Bible and hope to be done by the time Levi is born. I feel a little sleepy today but I am holding on. 

I have been feeling overwhelmed. I spoke to my sister and she brought up a point. Ultimately, I need to ask for grace, wisdom, and favor. I have been struggling. I don’t understand why I’ve been so mopey. I saw something that said:

“If things aren't moving along for you ask yourself, if everything I want were to come today would I be ready for it? Truly if not, honor where you’re at & master it. Then the next step will inevitably present itself. Master yourself, your habit, your alignment, your craft.”

Sunday night. Today I am 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I think I can hear Levi’s heartbeat in my ear LOL. I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Today was raining and I almost didn’t go to church. But I knew and I pictured myself moping around and regretting not going if I didn’t go. And I am so glad I did. It was so intimate. Our pastor spoke on Matthew 26:36-46; Jesus praying with intimacy. He sought out others and he sought out God. I was so drawn in. Lord I want to always be vulnerable with you. I want to have intimacy with you.

Today is Tuesday I am 22 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I can feel Levi moving and kicking. He’s under my rib cage. I love feeling him in my womb. I even love feeling him squished under my ribs.   

Today is my friend’s biopsy and I am heavy hearted just wishing I could comfort her. But Holy Spirit that’s your job- please comfort her. “The teacher is silent during the test” We will lean on His word and not our own understanding or feeling. Jesus went to the cross for health. Jesus, we will trust you. 

I finally have my official pregnancy journal. Today is Sunday, March 21, 2021. I am six weeks and four days pregnant. I found out I was pregnant on March 3rd. My period didn’t come. I took a pregnancy test from work, a really cheap one, at 10:30 at night. I was supposed to wait until the morning but I was so anxious LOL then it happened. A really, really faint second line. It was so faint that when I tried to take a picture of it, it didn’t show up on the camera. So I went to Stop n Shop, by this time it was 10:40ish. I bought a much more quality test, took another test- positive, bright for camera capture. 

I message my sister. We have an inside joke about pregnancy tests that are faint but clearly positive. David was already sleeping when this was taking place. I was on the phone with my sister and she’s encouraging me. 

I couldn’t sleep all that well that night, and I couldn’t wait to take the other pregnancy test in the morning just to make sure LOL and there it was positive. I start to get David‘s food ready as I do every morning. David comes out, getting his shoes on, his coat etc.   I ask him, “do you have plans later?“  he says, “not that I know of, why?” 

“Just wanna talk to you about some things” 

“Like what” 

“Just things, but we can wait for after work” 

“Is it bad?”  

I turned my back and start doing the dishes. “It depends how you see it,” I evade. “Are you pregnant?” he finally asks.  

Silence. 

“Are you?” he equipped. - I turn to him, with a small crack in my voice, “yeah” and hand him the pregnancy test I had just taken. We hugged and he leaves for work.  

Not too long after I receive a message from David: “We can do anything together❤️”